Wednesday, April 05, 2006
It wasn't over...... and it still hasn't.
i just saw this movie - " THE NOTEBOOK" and i have to say i am distraught. I don't know whether i am sad, or i simply feel the same way about myself. Will i ever have a love like that? is there really someone out there who is willing to do this for me? even though this story maybe just fiction, it makes me wonder, ponder, think, fantasize... whatever. I look into ryan gosling's eyes and i am enchanted. perhaps i am even captured by his looks, his boyishness... you know, i fell for him back in 1999, when i was in vancouver and this show called "BREAKER HIGH" was quite a popular drama then. Since i was so bored i watched almost every single episode of it at night. I would stare and dream about him, because back then he was already so dead sexy and cute. It made me wonder if i could get a boyfriend or have a trashy love romance during the time i was in canada. sadly, none of those happened. i even embarrassed myself infront of my brother, because i replied his friend with this line after he invited us to his birthday.
"Thank you for this BEAUTIFUL night". seriously, i might have had a crush on him, but i think that line totally destroyed any chances i might have. plus, it was just a night out at the VIP box at the N'SYNC concert and i was, IN FACT the ONLY teenage girl in their VIP box. I was then wearing a really out of date wind breaker, with a TARE PANDA sling bag. oh my god. why did i even want to think i could have a boyfriend with that kind of dressing? I even had my infamous THICK hairband (which i did wear until sec 3..PLUS i had centre parting...)
Perhaps now that i am older, i keep telling myself to be more realistic. i know that my prince charming is not going to appear just because i dreamed that he would, or that anyone could love me for just the way i am. These are illusions and there are more than 4 billion people in the world. Am i supposed to believe i can find the one person, who i love, and can love me for just the way i am?
Sometimes i really wish i was an actress. If i was an actress, i could kiss all those actors i fancy when i am filming with them. I could even harbour a crush on them and have it turn real, like what katie holmes experienced. Every day i tell myself that there is some guy out there that COULD perhaps, just perhaps fancy a girl like me with so many faults and love me for who i am. Still, 19 years have passed and nothing of that sort happened. My entire life is filled of dreams, fantasies, fairy-tale like stories and dramas that i have yet to come to terms with. I need an exciting life, i need the motivation, some person to tell me to carry on with my life. I watch as my brother had a girlfriend, and then very tragically break up. He had a long distance relationship, and up till now, he refuses to tell me the reason of their break up. He emphasizes that i will only understand when i have a boyfriend. BUT HOW? WHEN will i know? What if i never find the one for me? What if i just keep missing such opportunities and remain a spinster? All i know is, when i look at the sky, day or night, the first thing that pops into my mind is to share this image with someone i love. Anything i fancy, like for example, the beautiful cherry blossoms outside my dorm, the birds singing, the sun shining and the clear cloudless sky - all of these, i want to share with the one i dearly love.
Now i am a miserable woman who is drinking orange vodka in my dorm room, blogging and starring at the screen, hoping that during the time i get drunk, maybe ryan gosling would pop out of the screen and give me a huge kiss. But then again, i may just plonk out and wake up next morning. Nevertheless, 1 thing i know for sure is that i want a true relationship. You may never know, the friend you know, that is me, could very well marry the first guy she meets. I am tired of pulling strings for everyone else other than me. I deserve something better. I need something more exciting...
But all i want right now...................................................................
is to have someone i cherish.
Vuitton pen, 4/05/2006 04:47:00 AM.
